6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Say Yes to Something New
6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Say Yes to Something New
A gentle gut-check for anyone who says yes faster than they can think it through — even when it’s the right thing to slow down and ask first.
I used to think that agreeing was something worth being proud of. If anybody asked for help, I would agree without considering the cost to me. It made no difference whether it was a new job at the office, a favor for a fellow worker, or a job that no one else wanted — I always agreed. That is just the way I am. I want to support the people nearby and be someone they can count on.
But as time went on, saying yes ceased to seem like a genuine choice and began to feel automatic — when you respond out of habit, you don’t take the time to consider whether you have the time, energy, or peace to cope with what you’re agreeing to.
I learned this the hard way, more than once. I used to say yes to extra jobs at work, accepting duties that weren’t actually my responsibility, and would convince myself that I could manage one more item. However, eventually that one extra thing turned into ten, and I became so overwhelmed that I couldn’t tell whether my work had finished or my exhaustion had set in.
If you’ve ever said yes and then immediately regretted it, this article is for you. Perhaps you agreed to do something because of a sense of guilt, out of habit, or because you didn’t want to let anyone down. There’s no need for you to alter who you are or to begin saying no to all requests — you only need to ask yourself six questions and be willing to consider them before making your decision.
“Whatever you do, devote it to the Lord, and he will establish your plans.”
— Proverbs 16:3
Why This Discernment Matters More Than You Think
We are frequently led to believe that we should accept all the new opportunities that come our way. It is suggested that agreeing to more opportunities, more responsibilities, and more favors is a sign that we are growing. However, this is not actually the case. Genuine growth is something that is deliberately pursued. Although being busy may appear to be growth, it is not the same.
It’s not a matter of excluding people or of protecting your time to the point where you no longer take time to be with others; rather, it’s about realizing that each yes is at the same time a quiet no to something else, such as your rest, your concentration, or your personal goals. If you haven’t already done so, it’s useful to read what intentional living actually entails. Taking the time to think before giving a yes is just a way of living more intentionally when you’re making decisions.
“I used to believe that saying yes made me feel valuable; now I know that it is deliberately saying yes which makes me trustworthy — first of all with myself and then with everybody else.”
— Keithra J
The 6 Questions to Ask Before You Answer
Before responding to the next request — whether it’s for a new project, a favor, an invitation, or an opportunity that you have in your inbox — take a moment to go through these six questions. All of the answers don’t need to indicate the same thing; what’s important is that you do take the time to ask yourself these questions.
Does This Match the Season I Am Really In?
When you’re reflecting on the season you’re in at the moment — not the one that you’d like to be in or the one you were in last year — you should think about the energy, time, and resources you have at present. A “yes” that seemed easy last year may not suit your current life, and that is perfectly all right; it’s simply a matter of being honest with yourself.
Tip: If you’re uncertain about which season you’re in, consider what you would say to a close friend who was in the same position. We tend to be more clear about other people’s abilities than about our own.
Are My Affirmative Answers Based on Clarity or on Fear?
This is a problem for most of us. We are concerned about missing out, about letting someone down, or about losing a chance which may never arise again. Yet fear does not help us make sound decisions; it only causes us to decide quickly.
Honestly ask yourself this: would you still want to agree if the fear associated with this decision were removed? In some cases the answer would still be yes, and that is also clarifying. But in other instances the fear has been the only voice speaking, and that should be recognized.
What Would I Have to Say No to if I Am to Say Yes to This?
All commitments involve a cost, even positive ones. I discovered this gradually by agreeing to one task after another at work since I wanted to appear reliable. At the time, I never realized that each time I said yes to a colleague’s project it was in effect a no to my own time, priorities, and energy. Finally, I became so overburdened that attempting to be there for everybody meant that I wasn’t really there for anyone at all, not even myself.
Say out loud what you would have to give up before agreeing to something. If you are unable to identify what you are giving up, then you have probably not given it enough thought.
Is This Helping Me Move Toward the Person I Am Becoming — Or Is It Merely Keeping Me Occupied?
To be busy does not mean that you are making progress toward your goals. It’s possible to fill up your entire week and yet still not take any step toward the kind of life you desire. So consider whether this opportunity will help you move closer to something you genuinely want or whether it’s merely another task that keeps you busy without any real advancement.
Reflection prompts, if it helps to write it out:
- What are my hopes that this will result in?
- Would I desire this if nobody was looking?
- Does this feel like you’re growing, or does it feel like you’re trying to prove something?
Have I Really Sat With This, or Am I Merely Reacting?
I made several of my best decisions by spending a whole day before giving an answer. Although my answer didn’t change in every case, I ceased reacting under stress and began to respond with clarity. The fact that someone requires an answer so quickly that you cannot possibly take a full day to think tells you something important.
Give yourself permission to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you,” since simply saying that sentence can help you avoid more regretted yeses than almost anything else mentioned here.
Would I Still Be Glad That I Had Tried if This Had Turned Out to Be a Complete Failure?
This final question hits the nail on the head. Instead of focusing on the result — such as the promotion, the recognition, or the reward — consider whether the activity itself is worthwhile. If you would still answer in the affirmative even if there were no reward, that is a positive indication. However, if the only reason for doing it is what it might lead to, then take a bit more time to think it over.
✦ What If You Only Have Two Minutes to Make Your Decision?
There are occasions when you can’t take the time to go through all six questions and you may have to make a decision immediately. In such a situation, ask yourself simply this: is this decision being made out of clarity or out of fear? Asking yourself that one question will enable you to avoid the majority of the yeses that you’ll later regret. Begin with what you are able to do — that will always be sufficient.
What to Do When You Already Said Yes to the Wrong Thing
People seldom acknowledge the fact that even if you consider all six questions, you could still end up saying yes to the wrong thing. That doesn’t indicate that you’ve failed; it’s simply something that happens to be human. I’ve been in that situation too. I’ve agreed to things which I ought to have thought about more thoroughly and have felt the effects immediately.
If that occurs, you may find that you have more choices than you think. One thing you could do is go back and say, “I need to modify my timeline.” Another option is to admit, “I have taken on more than I am able to manage properly and so I need to hand part of it back.” Being honest and pulling back is not a sign of failure; it’s in fact an example of putting into practice the same careful decision-making that you’re trying to develop.
“The fact is, saying yes to the wrong thing doesn’t mean that I never do so; what grace means is that I don’t have to punish myself for being human in such cases.”
— Keithra J
Your Next Yes Is Waiting
You needn’t alter your entire decision-making process all at once. Simply select one question from the list and make a promise to yourself to ask it the next time any situation arises. That’s all there is to it. This is the entire practice.
Deliberately deciding to say yes rather than saying yes out of habit is a simple yet powerful method of creating a life that actually belongs to yourself.
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